Ah welcome one and all to my page for, well, blogging or just rambling on about stuff, so cmon in, get to know me and such!
So let us start with the short introduction Ahem I am Rainofdauwuand0w0, and as you saw on the main page, I am trying to start things up with youtube and stuff aligned to my interests! I am 20, undiagonsed for most things in my weird brain, a trans gal with she/her pronouns
I enjoy time on the interwebs to escape from my current reality, due to current physical form of mine not mention the gender in my noggin and other things. Also just genuinely trying to find a space to yap about my ideas on and on like a run on sentence that was made to teach kids the dangers of talking for too long (you gotta breathe a bit lol).
and here is a way back to the main page for you to scramble back to there
well that was a hell of a thing
im 25, went out to a barcade as a party this past sunday and it felt surreal as it all unfolded and everything that had happened there.
its my birthday and I caved to getting bluesky
I need to see my kyna and talk with her again man
deep breath well lets get right into my reasoning then shall we?
Lets start with the basics, as I stated recently in my past entry, I left twitter, and of course as I make this, I do not have a bluesky account yet. Now I will dive into the many why's as I type here at a chair that ages fast but does its job well for a gaming chair that notoriously have gotten a bad rep, point being that I will go into things overtime as this one is gonna be diving into my thought process of "why are you not on here yet?" and maybe showing into the old brain of how long its been on the internet for my teen years.
Of course lets get the easiest one out of the room, while I have found very lovely people on the app of twitter in of itself, it brought so many problems to my own psyche at times and at points in my life, some caused by my own fuck ups, being in too deep in fandom space that I got caught up in drama and was basically give the whole ordeal of picking sides, and many more things. the most glaring thing that I can think of is notifications, notifications often times on twitter got so constant that it was a damn near requirement to turn off the sound to ensure I didn't drive myself crazy with everyone I was following at that time. im at peace now in a sense, no more constant news bombardment from two sides (I have tiktok though I don't know how long that'll last if other sources are to be believed), it has been a constant GO GO GO of information get like im playing a game, yet most of the game being from achievements itself, constantly pinging off at you as you did something! and then the polar opposite after posting something, like suddenly now that feeling from school of every classmate staring at you is back and with a vengance enough to defeat god and anime in one fell swoop with as much effort as a goddamn sneeze being a reactionary thing to do from having a cold! Twitter wasn't a hellsite in the way tumblr was, tumblr is a hellsite due to its bad decisions and such but also due to barely changing, its comfy but it also feels stuck in time, no matter how may they try to update visuals which more so comes off as a "how do you do fellow kids?" move then addressing concerns (no, still not really over the dashboard change), twitter became one after the tumblr porn and basically any "risky" content, which what did the algorithem think that ment? FUCKING EVERYTHING. and the worst part is it just removed the sex workers, not the actual bots whom crawl from the depths of code to steal ya money (im guessing), but twitter did become one...but it became one in such a unique way. twitter became not a hellsite but a tartarussite in my opinion, there was levels, like that iceberg thing you see used for fanbases, game lore/facts, and many other things. It was varying levels, get too into a interest? to the deepest pits with ya! you had to be careful about your follow number, follow to many people, ya see jack shit until someone posts, follow too much, shit got pushed to the for you page, it was like maintaining a tipping scale that you wanted always to be balanced! and also, the creator of bluesky is the person who originally made twitter, or atleast one of'em, point is that during his tweets is that it showed he regretted it, like watching someone mishandle a child that isn't yours but you've been a parental figure to for so long that it hurts. the creation of bluesky came from a buyout, so its a wild thing to think about.
The good parts of twitter came from it being so popular, watching artists being able to make a life for themselves through the app and using it expertly to market themselves, it did not matter what art it was, movie-making, traditional art or digital art through actual art programs, creations of animation, 2d, 3d, posters in sfm, blender, maya, and more of art in spaces of moments, everything slowly coming together and being able to put all the eggs in one basket...till they were forced really...to spread the eggs around, twitter falling into elons clutches instantly showed flaws either originally able to be ignored or reach was deducted and given to bluecheckmarks....and it got worse and worse, and as such, the artists began moving, the voice actors, the actors, all the arts moving away, first slowly, then it kept growing. another thing was finding enjoyers of the same type content and as such, it ment you could grow your stuff fast, but at the same time, if you did too well too fast, critiziation would come along with it, not even sensical ones, the ones that were sensical and productive feedback, buried under the simplistic awnsers. dare I even talk about the blocking situation on twitter now...what a shadow of its former self, can't even block a person anymore, just lightly inconnvenience them from seeing your stuff before they can see it anyway, great job elon, that'll surely get everyone looking your way and not backfire into a thousand suns!
this will be shortest one as it is the easiest to explain, while sure, its nice to see and potentially experience the overrall start of a beautiful new website and application that will be on our devices forevermore, apart of me doesn't want to participate in this game of social media anymore, never trusted facebook due to how it harmed my old phone and I just generally didn't like the site, instagram was young "haven't-figured-out-i'm-trans-yet-self" me's worst fucking nightmare for body worries due to how its always the best pictures for whatever reason, especially in middle school, felt like a horrid site that was gonna yeet me away anyhow so I did it myself, among other stuff. tumblr has been fine for me personally so far, and newgrounds just feels...nostalgic? and then nekoweb here, allowing me to make my own website. Okay so maybe I had more to say then originally planned, point is this, I don't know if I wanna sign-up to it, not yet atleast, im apprehensive due to my experience with twitter and how long I had it...though I see myself getting bluesky sooner rather then later for a certain previously mentioned person.
Overrall, I may get it soon probably but...these are the reasons why I havent yet if I still haven't gotten it yet. a bit of a longer chapter this time around so...thanks for those that do read heh.
bday soon
yay?
my mind is on fire from worrying again but this time about diffent thing, yay
so what could be setting my mind on hypothetical fire and causing me to go into an absolute crazed state? Well strap in folks, it is gonna be a doozy!
So as you may or may not know, I am no longer on twitter as of this moment, it has been an overall great decision to do this as the platform descends down into the madness that it does and makes me feel horrid mentally every time I looked at the damn thing every damn day and it kept on annoying me more and more and more until it became too much, especially with who runs the thing and how his political views are and how he is running said platform into the goddamn ground. But there is one thing, well one person I really miss right now as of this moment, kyna681. This person, they were the source of so much happiness and so much joy, I would get so damn happy at seeing their art, talking with them, roleplaying with them, a best friend truly, so when I left twitter...at first, I thought it would be quick happening, they'd follow me elsewhere and contact me elsewhere as soon as they could! But so far she hasn't. And this in of itself has set me on a spiral and made me realize not only did I consider her a best friend, I considered her closer above best friend, but not family or partner, point is she means alot, and my brain is freaking the actual fuck out that I have not been in contact with this woman for as long as I have since I deleted my account, and its eating at me, I don't wanna take about what I said about twitter-likes and not going instantly to bluesky, but for her I might just goddamn break it because I feel myself losing my marbles over it, she is importatn to me, she may not be my boyfriend but damn it she means alot to me, my trans fem ass wants to roleplay with her again, talk with her again, see her art again! I miss it all so damn much! I wanna see her lil texts, her lil ideas, her lil arts, her progression in the arts themselves of animation and creating characters, I wanna see it through! I wanna be there for her, be there to help her out and be there in some sense, at her side.
I miss her so much
another day to exist, another day to think
well 8 days till my bday :D
I am so annoyed at my own computer rn, so very angry right now at it
so my friend got me buckshot roulette, a fun little game that should be able to run on my windows 10 computer, problem, this basic bitch is a dell computer, this computer, this piece of physical tech from which I type into constantly on multiple occasions, constantly annoys me with how it can barely play any games on it. Every time I got to play a new game I have to basically double, triple check the specs that it can run on lower platforms. Because if it can not, my basic pc can not fucking handle it, even worse when you remember I want to make a whole thing out of doing things on a fucking computer! I wanna do youtube, I wanna do twitch, I wanna be online and entertain and stuff, and holy shit is it annoying when you have nothing going for your basic damn computer that it sometimes feels like a fight to get it to run things on it. Every time I think I see a game with low enough graphics or something that I think will be fine, I am always utterly astounded and enraged on how basic it is and how much it constantly fails to even run "just have windows 10" games, Existence forbid it has anything in the specifics other then that when it can't run on lower systems, then I am screwed! And I feel such a primal rage about it, thing should do this thing, why doesn't work, I feel like im being forced into paying or buying or having to ask friends as of current since I don't have a job yet or asking for gifts from family that are less wants and more needs and it just makes me aggrevated every damn time as I continue to stare off into this ever fulfilling prophecy of how the only thing this thing can fucking run, is doom, doom is the thing that runs the best, it is a miracle I can make kingsway videos, it is a blessing when a Rain Rambles comes out, I can't do anything fancy and it drives me up a wall so much, I want to do more, I wanna learn editing, but I feel so limited on this "thoughts and barely a prayer" (quoteth from a friend) as it doesn't even deserve the title of bare bones due to how the damn landscape of computer gaming is!
and so I wonder, what to do, I want to badly get a job but I fear as soon as I do, my care for doing videos will stop till I move out, the energy to do anything and such, reserved to doing the job, getting a shower, rinse off and repeat every day in and day out until I move away to a different "small world" of my own with my boyfriend, my future husband, and have a space to myself where I can just calmly unwind and think through everything.
I wanna create, I wann make, I wanna show the online world what I can do and what I am capable of and each time, I feel my old computer slowing me down.
Another day in november, some time has even passed thankfully, so yippee I guess
Oh boy, well some time has passed, so as usual, my brain just loves racing even though time is just simply passing, but if I am to be truly honest with myself, for even a second. I would have to admit amongst my fear of what I have already talked about, I also just generally fear the passage of time, I may have even spoken about it on this lil page before, but I fear it due to how much I feel like I am missing out on.
well after having a while to my thoughts, im typing out something again, just to get the brain going. just slamming words out there into the world.
my mind is still on fire but just like a fire, if I let myself get consumed up into it, I'll be just stuck doing the same eternal spiral I usually do but worse, so I need to do something, whether it is coding or something else, I need to keep my mind off of things in a sense, not ignore them, as that would be ignorant but to ensure I keep myself mentally well. so what other things are indeed happening this month? well...my bday is coming up, which that is exciting, I will be turning 21 on november 25th. That is one thing I can never believe each time it happens, the surprise wasn't as great when I was a young kid, more of a spectatcle of "wow a year? that is a long time!" but now every time it feels like I blink and week may pass if I look at wrong and am not following the mental codes over others. time is such a wild thing, the way we describe it, the way we created it to measure the movement of the sun and moon passing over our skies and how it may change slightly or a lot depending on you place and place you go to, can be such a wild thing really. with me becoming 21, it means I can legally drink by myself in my state. which will be...strange? due to personal experience thanks to my father and my step-mother...I fear alcohol to a degree, and as such, im not one to drink, even if my family on both sides are know for metabolism's that can handle it really well, my brain just assumes the worst whenever I even see the stuff, as it takes me back to multiple bad memories all at once.
Along side the fear that I have of alcoholic beverages, is the hate of the taste of most of the drinks that exist out there. When I was younger then current and able to drink under adult supervision (or a lil before even) my dad and step-mother would try to get me to drink. To their annoyance, most of the time I would barely touch a drink at all, so much alcoholic beverages are just, horrid and taste like the wheat they were created from too much, and due to that factor, I barely ever drink with them. The times I did? usually something fruity or in one very specific case thanks to a camping trip we were on, a beverage that just tasted like a coconut sprite, it was the best one ever that I had tasted and it was the only drink that I had ever liked that was alcoholic in nature ever before. and im still glad it was only that one time, it clears up the brain fog too well, thoughts and speech feels easy, but so does just saying "fuck it" and unleashing all the unyielding rage I hold in or holding in my heart for all the things that my step mother and father in my heart. Thank goodness that it was only once that it happened and my mind was able to recorrect multiple times before I said something stupid or something that got me in trouble, because I have been raised to 1.never tell a lie 2.if you got nothing nice to say, don't say it 3. speak up and be heard. I mostly stayed quiet for a reason in my time dealing with those two.
dear fucking god
he won, unless a miracle from any god in existence happens, we're fucked.
but no, do not fucking take this lying down, challenge it, fight it, get into action, work with your community, make changes, make community gardens, make things work, make changes around you, begin a shift because we need fucking hands on the damn wheel if this is the way things are going. In history class, I always wondered how in the hell fascism and other things got into power. eugenics, racsists, mysgonistic monsters, lgbtqia haters (it ain't a damn phobia) and so many other things. we need to damn do our duty, document not just online, but everywhere imagineable, have proof of what has happened here, what is going on, what will be our future. we need to make it. we need to do it for the safety and good of the people.
we gotta be smart.
today is the day
Election day
I watch as I wasn't able to vote today due to my current living situation and what I am tasked with doing, tasked with being. The strong older sibling to ensure the little ones all keep in line, to make sure that they make themselves be good, be nice, listen, are fed, are sitting still as best they can, their tablets are charged dishes done, trash done, things done in general. And I can only watch, I can only hope my current outcome is a good one. I wait, my heart thumping in my chest as each second passes by, my heart, mind, and soul whirling around in a swirl of fear, scared of what would happen if things went to hell further and faster then needed, yes there will still need work to be done, that is obvious, local work, local measures taken to embolden and fasten together communities, to make one another get along, to make and come together well is gonna take time, and takes doing. but I hope for everything kamala wins, that it happens, that the win is secured and the win happens. I do not dare check the internet anymore then I have as my entire being spirals into a fit of anxiousness and unbridled anguish at the possiblilty of another fucking trump presidency happening, I can't imagine it. im scared. im horrified. I wish people saw it my way. If I were to dare check rn, while things are still uncertain my anxious mind will crawl further and further downward and I cannot have that happen, so for now, only youtube, only twitch, and only nekoweb and maybe tumblr for the rest of the night. For I want to live in joy but challenge to work towards not having a harsher moment to get through. im frightened for so many reasons, frightened for friends, old classmates, even those I may have disliked, none deserve what will probably happen. the work we need to do once kamala is elected will still be grand and will take ages, but it needs to get done, we need to start this shit and start working to slowly building up communities together, being kind to one another, aceepting each other no matter the skin color, sexual or gender orientation, or otherwise, as long as you are kind and you actively help out and vote, not just for big elections but also for the smaller ones, the state, the local, the senate, all of it. we can achieve it, all things take good time.
So I will be here, waiting, hoping things go okay. it is all I can do for now and I will do my best to stay calm. just gotta stay calm. stay calm.
the day after the day after halloween yayyyy
gonna try to do things today, maybe make a video if I feel the energy to do so or something.
Well you know what time it be :3
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
wow, time sure does fly heh, almost a full week since I last updated this lmao
Soooooooooooooooooo, what has been happening?
Well to be completely honest, things got a little crazy as things ramped up before halloween had came to a offical unveiling, my family sadly had gotten sick, which led to some complications of alot of things overrall, which kinda made me saddened. but aslo this week has just been rough when it comes down to it.
monday's, what a wild thing due to being the beginning of a week
Well as I sit here, I think I would like to talk about something on my mind, as for while I do tend to freak out about job stuff and not finding one or how hard it is to find one, I do see the pros of being an adult, in a sense. Maybe its juste cuz of my own divorced household situation and years of being an undiagnosed mess in general that people pleased to the sun and back just to feel like I was doing and being a human right, I feel like the weight to do that is off my shoulders as I flip into the chapters of the beginnings of adulthood. For starters, I can finally talk about my interest in indie video games a bit more, as I have also taught myself to hold my ground when it comes down to it, and also learned to not let other opinions on games get under my skin as much, I have been able to do more recommendations of shooters and games without caring for the reaction of how they view what I play. I enjoy my indie games, the art, the music, the gameplay, and despite how they see it, the more interesting thing then just "how realistic something looks". Another thing I've been slowly doing is just being more openly me, pronouns and new name being ignored be damned, Im gonna be myself, Im gonna be me, I am my own leader and I say I wanna have a smile on my face while I do life, not just conform because someone feelings get hurt that im gonna turn into a girl, such a wild thing. The last final thing is the longest and most sentimental, is that I have realized just how long I've been going with not being me and I watch as the house I live within become more fit for my siblings instead of me, sure there is a bit of sadness to it as time goes by but I think I will be fine at the end of the day, because it means each moment I am getting closer to getting and moving out of here, getting closer to doing what I wanna do, become who I wanna become, estrogen and all! it excites me more then it would before scare me that I am being phased out in consideration of things in a sense, I have somewhat accepted that it is happening, and I am processing as best I can, because once I move in to my boyfriends place across the country, I will finally feel safe.
Makes me feel hopeful for the future.
Ah yes, another day, woohoo
well not much has changed but as I once more have come on to my computer once more to grace the presence with my own weirdness and such, I watch twitter...actually decently quiet, for the first time in ages, it looks, atleast from my following, that alot of people are genuinely considering leaving and staying gone due to how everything has gone lately, which is good but also it feels so wild to watch. Each moment of this fall from grace that I watch with my own two eyeballs on my human meat mech for this twitter fall, it fills me with so mant emotions all at once that it gets a little overwhleming to my overthinking mind. Anger for the fact so many artists, new and old, will be forced to a new home or forced to return to older places. Sadness for all the artists I may lose site of due to all the moving around as I don't wanna move to another twitter-like platform and deal with all the problems that can gain overtime, all over again. confusion as to how someone could make so many dumb changes over the course of a short amount of time being put into the position of power of a social media app in a modern day age. fear at how social media's may go with how they have been chugging along year after year, despite the problems here and there. happiness for once for a change, a change to the status que that got me to look up html stuff again, looking once more how to make my own website and make my own space to think about.
Oh boy, oh boy my fellow people, do we have some news today!
If you are wondering why I haven't been updating this blog for the past 5 days, it is because of a simple reason, I was once more watching the downfall of twitter as it happens in real time, and by the gods and everything else in existence, is it a fucking site for sore eyes this time, so gather around! quickly quickly, grab popcorn, a snack or two, and let us dive in.
So you may be curious as to what is happening to twitter that the x marked grave it resides in is being doused in more gasoline somehow? Well that would be because elon updated the terms of service and the privacy policy, stupidly may I add.
first up to bat, is this croc of shit! this forces all artists and such to be forcefully scanned while they are on the twitter platform! which of course is a horrid thing. Scanned by what you may ask? Well to put it bluntly, another fucking stupid ass ai generative, art stealing, machine focre fed monster that is nothing but bloat since it's addition to the damn app, and he wants to force artists to it. fucking evil!
And then to the meat of this horrid moldy cheese and stale jerky sandwich, we have these two things! one is a reiteration of the previous, that posts can be used (but more general, more then just art) can be used for grok to learn from. But the second one says if you were to view more then 1,000,000 tweets, you will be forced to pay and owe twitter, 15k DOLLARS. THAT IS INSANE!
Absolutely insane to watch this all happen in a short time span
well its a saturday, wooo
its been an okay day today, updated the Retrogoodness side of this website to include loop hero into it aswell, adding in another fun game to play for everyone of you that decide to look at this blog in full! I do hope you are enjoying whenever this updates or hell, maybe this is just refreshing to watch someone scream into the void!
well I have found an issue
it seems the site has changed how coding works sometimes, annoyingly, it means I have to make sure I manually put the end tags at the end when it messes up, though the other option is honestly just backing out then reloading the html file itself, so its not too bad.
in other news, I finally hit the format button while using this nekoweb site and goodness does that do organization very well! gonna be very useful to use after future big rambles of text to get everything nice and neat!
Now what else is the subject to talk about. Ah yes! Today is another tf2 bday! Another year added to its beautiful age! soon anough once it hits 2027 it will become 20 years old! a game that lasts that long is a rarity! and a wonderfully fun one at that.
another day, another moment to talk about! in all honesty I am glad that I made this as I can discuss the happenings as they happen and as I see them, which is very very nice. but man does it also just allow me to dump in my thoughts on the current happenings and loads of sounds in my mind easily as well!
well now what
Now that I can talk about what I like on here in a sense away from the typical internet, topics have been springing up faster then I have been ever thought to be able to talk about, not necessarily because of having an obligation to do it, the polar opposite would be the truth, thanks to having this site, that is my own, I can ramble on and on like I do in my videos on youtube, or just, idk, be a person and write down my own thoughts like those of old used to do on old blog sites, before things took a turn for the commercial! of course as I look more and more, that right there may be the reason I feel more comfortable then any other site combined to talk about what I wanna talk about right here, because if you want to see me poor my damn heart out, you'd best be prepared to go fishing for me like you all goddamn used to before I started entering the internet.
Today's lil ramble off into the whims of the night are simple really, lets talk about content creation and why I have slowed down as of this moment
Now here is of course the last video I made, simple enough, a ramble about ads, my annoyance with them, and even a lil bit of history thanks to sources
Now let's just see how long it's bee- HOLY SHIT ITS BEEN 3 WEEKS
Now of course the obvious question is why?
The why, from my constant own self questioning, is actually fairly simple, but quickly starts snowballing into bigger things the more you look at it. Let's start off with the biggest thing that may be both obvious and not-so obvious, alot of youtubers have been retiring, either turning their youtube off by making a final genuine goodbye video, or turning it into a new platform for up and coming creators! which brings alot of things to mind. Sure maybe its just my brain but as I see and see more and more youtubers hang it up since they did it, they won the big game, and seeing only a select few staying, it really makes you think about how youtube has changed overtime, I even talked about it previously on here, on this specific page and how I myself viewed these era's, even if they aren't as bound in logics or stats from the time periods but more general vibes from my own watching. It's been alot ot look over and looking at what I am doing now but at my pace, it really can make you stop and think about it, stop and smell the roses or in my case the fall leaves or the smell of fresh cut grass, taking life slower, enjoying the moments we have with one another more, and these youtubers, some of them I may not have watched as much anymore, but still respected, have also talked about the hard parts of being a youtuber. for a specific example, gameplay/Let's Play youtuber! you gotta add your own spice, cus while some people do enjoy the occasional no commentary videos, people love seeing a real character be put it on, even if the difference between you and your online self you present on there is just slightly more confident or outgoing, giving the crowd something to listen to to really ingest. And I wonder if I do enough, even if I am just starting out with very starter equipment and the most basic of programs, I really do wonder sometimes what I accomplish if I did more or tried to experiment more but often I get stuck in a loop when I do make stuff, rain rambles videos is a chance to talk about something I enjoy, sharing that with the world, talking about it in-depth as I like and sharing my own thoughts on said topic, usually rambling away by the end on anything else that I may want to add to the points I may have initially kept small, and reigniting the convo about that, fully letting my thoughts out on each individual thing that I talked about with less of a scripted feel, despite the only script being the one in the google slide show, which kinda shows what im trying to go over. Second thing is that I am just feeling stuck in it all, feeling like I am eternally trapped in all of this. I look at the clock sometimes when watching my siblings and just....just stare off into the distance, staring at the clock, the time that passes by as im sitting there, and I know, I know, Im currently only twenty. But it feels like the world has eyes on all people of this age since...idk a long time? it feels like some sort of generational societal thing of feeling like you gotta make the best of time while you are in your twenties...and I've only just started, im basically an adult yes, but...I feel this weird notion, this weird underlying feeling that I've carried since my undiagnosed ass first started realizing everything was speeding up around me, that time moves. and boy can it move as it likes. some moments I can feel each second, slowly chopping by, the next, I blink and suddenly its almost a month since I have done something.
Ah but last but certainly not least, I feel so limited by my current tech, I am thankful for it for every waking moment it does work, do not misunderstand me. But I can see when the poor things lags a little, when my poor pc has a lil trouble with something and desperately needs to be told to rest itself properly, a shutdown before the system freezes up, like treating a cold to a younger sibling you are babysitting, you gotta do it right and you gotta do it gently. I feel bad for my dell pc, I'll I've tried and do manage to run on it, tf2 and tf2c on lowest and medium settings respectively. the top of my screen freaking out in normal tf2 as if it can't render the top of the screen for whatever reason.
what to discuss, what to discuss
Well as of today, things in the internet are shifting as per usual, and I think I would like to about that honestly. watching this moment in time where pillars of social media seem to be undergoing...potentially falling apart is weird? like weird in the sense that it feels just so odd to be a part of internet history, the joy, the sadness, the feelings associated with all of it. like the obvious twitter downfall is happening but its also obvious that the platform is becoming worse and worse to use each day, which will lead to its own host of problems and issues when it does fall, where all the bad people may scamper off to and where others may run off to is wild to think about after it falls. but there is also...tumblr, its current owner may be in trouble, which to be honest, would suck due to how it has been the reputation of being a cockroach when it comes to sticking around, and despite the bad, I'd be sad to lose two platforms at once, it would be hell of a thing to happen.
So first line, watched the the digital circus episode that released today, episode 3 today, and in all honesty it was nice episode that managed to make me feel so interested in the world even more then before.
as for what else to talk about, I don't really got anything to be honest, just that I have been thinking alot ideas again and again
brain has been doing alot of thinking
and the main thing it has been thinking about is a job. Usually one not tied to a job would be overjoyed, estatic, enjoying every little moment that is apart of the times when spent with friends of online or if lucky offline, maybe even a healthy mix of both! But in my case I look at the damn thing as a double edged sword, sure I have my online friends to chat and talk with, but when everyone is at work it can get quiet, and even when I am in so many differing servers of my different interests, that does not stop my shyness that I have online or offline, from making me worried about the smallest things, then there is the worry of how I will do things when I am doing them with a job, but its smaller then the one screaming at me full volume about the fact I do not have a job yet. And as it yells and yells I sometimes cannot hear other thoughts, I cannot hear my thoughts of creativity, I cannot hear any goddamn thing. I want to make youtube videos, I want to do things that make me happy, I wanna play games without feeling this goddamn forsaken weight on my mind because I am watching the world moving forward and I am bracing for impact constantly. I wanna remote job, a simple ask for a starting job, a real simple job, just something easy to do, easy to manage, but every time I go to goddamn look in any which way or direction I am tired, I am tired. I am tired of all these goddamn websites they have as they make us go through hoops to get to the part where we even look at the job, im tired of every time I think I have found something and its on singular, open site, I click on it, and suddenly, I am taken to a new page, a new site, a new bullshit thing I have to sign into, and it angers my mind every single goddamn time it happens to me. I feel my anger rising and my blood boiling when a simple link ment that if anything, should lead to an email so I may inquire about a job, not a fucking goddamn, OTHER SITE. and I loathe each time and I loathe the way that it has been explained to me the way of the interview proccess, lying "just enough" that you can do the thing that is simple enough that you could do said thing. or the factor that as I watch and find out more about the job proccess, I have found out about ghost hirings, which are just fake openings that are only there to scare the people already working at the place of work as some sort of weird convulted power move to show "oh we could just replace you at anytime tehehe!" while they smile wider then any courage the cowardly dog villain ever has, putting them to shame because of how things are. I want to get a job, I want to get a job so very simply, so so simply, that allows me to be my introverted self, to let me have my battery charged for social interaction when it does happen, ready for moments that may be unexpected a bit more. most of all I can't keep living like this, the way my mother is talking about "buying me some lessons" or something so I have a drivers liscense is insanty to my mind and it will probably continue to be an insane thing to me. a gift could be something from simple clothes, to all the way to something big in your mind. not a necessary part of being in the current place of being! my bday is coming next month...then its christmas. and the joint gift is fucking car lessons. FUCKING CAR LESSONS. in my mind I know it is her trying because she herslef had to be trained by her father instead of my father(who originally said that he would teach her then didn't) and this is another point of contention to me, why is the gift a thing of basic need, a gift of bday's or christmas, for as long as I have known them in my 20 years so far on this earth from what I have been told over and over again multiple times, is that it is a time of gifts, of wants being traded simply for the factor of virture you care about the other person. and I know, I know, maybe my brain is being irrational and the kid in my brain is slamming into the adult in this moment but its a need, not a gift that I will apparently be being given, something I should have been allowed already during this time already, already have a full drivers test, already have a liscense so that I may leave as I wish or something or other. But instead it is supposedly a gift, when there is a million other things I would want, socks, shoes, clothes so I can go through all my old ones and sort them out, game cards like for xbox, steam, even vr, so I can get games on them, or things like stuffed animals, plushies to enjoy and cuddle and comfort me in moments of need. Something, that brings joy should be a gift, not something that brings in the mundane and expected things to the limelight. I'm gonna be turning twenty one this year, twenty-fucking-one. I will gain the ability to drink (if I ever feel like I will be able to stomach the thought of even touching a bottle that isn't a soda), I will gain the ability to fully leave the house as I am fully, completely and adult and they cannont stop . and I want to spend this last times with them, as happy. genuinely happy, but every waking moment it feels like whether unintentional or intentional, they are putting me in this "growing up" box, im tired. I am tired of "growing up" being this thing where you throw away everything you seemingly enjoy or shrink it into a digestable size not because due to money, but because you fear you will not be accepted by those around you, by those you enjoy, cherish time with, enjoy the life with! I hate it so much. I want a job for a job reason, I want it so I can claim back apart of myself, the part that gets plushies, the part that still loves older styles of graphics, that enjoys seeing people use the limitations of older modeling styles to bring life to their style of game, with their vision. I want a job so whenever money I spend is used on indie games, it is my money fully, no one else can dismiss me about "oh are you sure you want that?" or see my likes as a strange thing and I can enjoy them fully, get the things I would like, get me the things I would enjoy, get myself things I genuinely want and not substitutions unless it is pricey (im wanting, not insane), I just want a job to simply pay stuff so that I may finally not have to have to hear it from my step-dad again about not having a job, when I am babysitting, doing smaller work on some chores so that they may get done, ensuring both siblings are as happy as possible despite my own stress getting more and more visible.
I'm so tired...I just want to have a job to pay stuff with, and to have a era that is remote but that seems less likely, which will leave me with working at a medincinal weed store, the only problem I have with that is that it is the one my mom goes to for her medicinal stuff for her high blood pressure and her sleep troubles. I just wish things were easier, and do DO NOT give me that shit that "oh life has always gotta be" no it should not be hard like this to get jobs, interviews should not be the "who's a better fibber" game with helf truths being thrown about,GHOST JOB HOSTINGS SHOULD NOT FUCKING EXIST, and most importantly, with covid still obviously still fucking around, remote jobs should still VERY MUCH BE A THING.
I'm done ranting for now, have a better day then me
Minecraft live was today
and as such we saw the new biome and mob it comes with with this in mind, my current thoughts on them is that it is interesting to watch what they do, like for starters the biome itself feels off, feels creepy, and its good to have these biomes that feel creepy in the overworld aswell, as it can a layer of fear in the regular world even when you are all set up. better yet is the creatures, the creaking's as they are called, are not able to be damaged by normal means and must instead muts be killeed by breaking their hearts that reside within the trees of this biome, scary stuff indeed. and im just spitballing here, this could create interesting bosses in the future, using the way this heart works on a different mob, hiding away multiple "hearts" while the boss you fight feels more like a force of nature itself following you.
Today I think I have another rough idea of what I would like to talk about! Let's talk about my thoughts on video and streaming platforms of the kind that lets anyone do it! thats right, we are gonna be talking about youtube and twitch today!
To Start, Lets go with youtube! this funky website started out as its own little thing back in the day, a small independent video hosting website that would then later be convinvcing google to buy it up! How far it has come and potentially fallen is here and there like an exploded body in the source engine from team fortress 2, but speaking of that, one thing we should always celebrate is how it has been able to be a tool for many shortfilms (good, bad, the meh, and the intruiging just by concept of world alone) and aswell animations and skits to be posted to the website itself! astounding honestly how much it opened up the floodgates and what it ended up inspiring as others tried to be like youtube but staying independent...like machinima, god I forgot about that thing for a lil bit there, the fact it originally had its own app on the 360 was wild but it showed the success of youtube as other still try to get in on the video hosting website pie, but it feels like as they try to copy youtube's recipe it doesn't turn out as good or is so close to youtube that it feels redundent, nothing original really jumps out at you when look at those sites, atleast for now, but those opposing sites will always be an option! Now of course as we walk about youtube in-depth, we gotta talk about the era's but im gonna frame it from my point of view of the kid who grew up watching stuff like avgn and markiplier rising over the years. the primal years as I shall call them were a absolutely wild time, you could post alot of different things to youtube and it was in its wild west era, as time went on you could grow and steadily grow a platform for your own, making a name for yourself, like for example vat 19, which used youtube as a way to advertise other smaller creations out there that existed or products from smaller buisnesses, using the money to put back into the studio itself, which was neat! this was the very early days of watching it for me. 2006-2009 were these years in my mind. 2010-2016 is where the shifting tides began, the "normalization era" where while still niche and still a very online thing to do, youtube was becoming more and more common as time went on, a replacement to tv for some, watching their favorite genre of creator while eating their meal of whatever time it is. But as this era came to past, 2016-2019 era, as I shall call it, the drama. why the reason I call it this is that during this period, alot of things came to light, not that other era's didn't have their own controversies but from how I saw it, alot of them seemingly lined up like a scary buffet for drama based youtubers, being able to fuel themselves on so much content to the point it was too much, things coming out here and there about people you used to watch or still watch if they actually got better, it was a rough year of time. 2020-2021 in the usa was helluva time due to the pandemic, I shall call these years the "stuck in" era, as people who weren't typically on youtube as much were suddenly on youtube A LOT, and a lot more gamers were also gained during this time period as well as people trying to hitch for fame, the pandemic was both a horrid and bad thing for every reason imaginable (sickness, covid is still around its just that buisnesses got sick of no one being in office, the way extroverts were on low battery) the opportunities it created also were numerous, stay at home jobs finally being taken in and zoom becoming a mass used thing for it despite (at the time) discord being a better option, but it also supercharged channel growth. Now of course channel growth in of itself is a good thing, more eyes on the creation and stuff you make and such, but also the growth is so sudden that you may gain an ego due to how such a fast growth may hit you, it gets in your head all that power you wield, instead of a slow growth from fostering an honest community the old fashioned way. as for current years, it seems we are in the "retiring era" 2023-2024, we have seen people retiring, whether due to personally just being done for the most part with ideas or wanting to make content, some have had to do it due to the cost of living getting more intenseive and the content not getting the amount of views it would take to counteract the high price of living. while I am sure I and many others may try to get into youtube, I do agree with an idea I saw somewhere that the door is closing a lil, but unlike the original person, I think it's closing more in a buisnesses sense, it'll still be open and possible, but youtube saw what happens to a fast growth, and wants to wrestle the growth to channels back down so that it can have a healthy refresh. and as for my thoughts on their adblocker policy, they need to cease, this is just gonna turn into a cold war arms race for adblockers and youtube being against them and I do not see adblockers losing either.
And next on the list, Twitch! another website of video hosting, although this one was live but instead of being bought by google, it got bought by amazon of all things, as I have not use this platform as much as I have youtube, I can't really say personally if it has era's or not, someone who has been on there longer may be able to word it beautifully but alas, I cannot! but instead I will say how it is interesting how the times have gone on to watch it seemingly strike down vtubers more then the actual people nearly naked, this hipocrisy constantly makes me think that whatever automated system and human watching it going over it, is not gonna be able to beat the allegations that they are against vtubers currently, doesn't help that the highest and most viewed girl is a vtuber but twitch decided to put people there instead, as if fearing vtubers for whatever reason, when they are a beautiful thing, pngtubers have always been a thing, using a lil creature as your online persona has always been a thing people have done, now you can also do it alot better and even do it very well in your own style, letting you be able to once more have a bit more online anonymity back to the people who do this kind of content. it also allows a level of seperation between the viewer and person that is doing the content, the only time the people know whats happening to you irl is when you post about it, thats it, they wont have to see into your room as you play a game for the masses when they have a funny character to look at instead. personal theory as to why youtube and twitch systems are flawed with vtubers, is because the pngtubers never used to be this detailed, that was usually saved for speedpaints, now as the art and the artist can look similar, the system may have to do a double check of what is art and what is an icon and more. thats just my thought, the other thought is that companies are putting pressure abit back onto youtube and twitch (but they do it like with ad stuff) which makes them angery, they want to see our face, want to see us so they can make assumptions and make ads for us as best as possible, using our streaming and youtube habits as a base, but when you factor in the typical pngtuber, the pngtuber plus and many iterations of vtubers that exist now thanks to many applications, they don't know what you look like, making it harder for a company to get to know you, they could just watch your videos but they wanna see you, they wanna see your face so they can make all the little assumptions they can to best advertise to you. And the companies that aren't youtube and twitch themselves loathe that fact. as for how twitch is with ads? atleast they pay better and give the streamer more options of when they can appear and better ways to get rid of them. they also. better-late-then-never'd, a good change recently, something that should have been here since the beginning, telling people why exactly they got banned. good.
I can't not talk about video platforms without talking about tiktok. while it has become the new kid on the block and the underdog, its been through a rollercoaster, starting as musical.ly but then changing to tiktok, when tiktok started out it was a fine app of cosplayers, lgbtqia people, people having fun and such. then it became...popular *horrified in unison audience gasp noise*. When it became popular I watched many average things stumble into my feed more and more, it annoyed me as I watched and had to recorrect my page back to the cosplayers, artists, furries, and other such people to come back to my page, the people that made the app what it originally was about. But the only time it went back to the "cringey" fun of people dancing to audio's, cosplaying, and doing silly trends was during the time us americans were locked in our houses for the most part. and that specific part saddens me as most of my interests thrived on there but then were forgotten as companies forced us back out because they had to make a bank of infinite growth that isn't feasibly possible and also couldn't handle the agency that their employee's had in the fact that they were in their own homes doing their own work, they didn't like that loss of control, but they should have welcomed it with open arms, cus it ment that the company buildings could go away, but of course they gotta fill their egos. sorry we got off track there, point being I miss what tiktok used to be in its unpopular years, cosplayers, artists, furries leading the charge for many many fun trends that will be remembered. though tiktok is not without it's own issues of course, its a platform for hosting videos, there is bound to be bumps in the road, its how they fix it or change things of the road itself that can make reactions happen. tiktok shop...horrifying in all honesty, feels so odd and they keep trying to move it to the center of the screen, each and everytime they put it in the front and center at the top of the app, I wanna lose my marbles, stop notifiying me about deals I will never touch! Oh and we have to talk about ads! of fucking course, I talked about this on my rain rambles on my youtube but tiktok ads have become worse, whether they were testing it out or are planning to roll it out in the future, I have no idea, but it used to be that ads were their own seperate video to scroll past, still giving them revenue when you watched them, the difference being is that was how it was for so long, and recently, unlike youtube and twitch, which atleast sometimes/used to give you a heads up depending on which is your more used platform, tiktok decided to skip straight to full throttle to randomly inserting it without telling the person who made the video! and it could randomly appear at any point in the short form video content, and it doesn't matter how long the video itself is, just has to be a video. Helluva a fucking change if it gets cemented in at somepoint.
Well, Would you look at that, I managed to remember this damn thing! Amazing in all honesty tha I was able to do all of this, and remember about it, cus sometimes my brain wanders away from something and then only occasionally comes back or just outright places it in a pause screen part of me brain till it feels it is the right time, but I guess when it comes to making websites and stuff, it is so connected to so many differing things and so many differing ways to interact with a community and such that my brain has it locked in as an important thing to remember! Which is so nice cus I needed a space to vent out more frustations or the vibes that I sometimes feel as times go by and as I keep looking at how some social media's are working or lack of working stuff in some places, it increasingly becomes obvious from my own investigation that eventually, we may get confined to only our own cities and such, potentially due to how things for the wonderful changing landscape that is this place we call the internet! crazy stuff huh? Oh yeah I was supposed to talk about something.
With that said, I shall discuss my thoughts on a couple topics as I have alot in the old noggin that I do think about when it comes down to it! firstly the internet itself! Ah the internet, what a wildly personal yet also impersonal place of experiences, mindnumbing madness thats different for each and every generation that comes into contact with it! I sometimes think it is best that I limit myself to tumblr more and more cus I feel like the closest comparison I can make to current twitter (and why I deleted it off my phone) is like how when in school of the america's, you would be taking notes on something that the whole class was doing and everyone was doing their best to write down the notes fast enough but the teacher did not care and was rushing at mach run peppino speeds to get to the next topic! so much happens that when I only go on there for friends on my computer, it feels like a blast of content and when its concentrated like that, I get a sense at how much madness I was consuming, especially if I dare have the tits to handle the for you page, the ultimate nexus of rage bait, the spare stuff that should have been on the fucking following page. And much more! Not to mention, the other modern social media's I try to use aswell. tiktok, while I do have it, mostly im just uplifting palestinian voices on there, not posting much on my own content because the one thing that app did very well is give us a very easy way to connect with others online and send information nicely fast! but when it comes to promoting on there? ehhh it's okay if you are trying to build a platform on there, which the us government doesn't like since they are going "hey we want the data, we're gonna starve without access to that means of data!" meanwhile they are patrick star having eaten all the other chocolate bars, because they already have so much connection! they have enough! they have data and most of them don't even know how to use it aside for ad corps to give us stuff!
Tumblr I'm new to in comparison to the other sites/apps, which means that I honestly have only recently come, so far its had its bumps and it's issues but currently, as long as it just gets better over time or barely changes again, it should last a long long time as the long standing cockroach of a blogging site that it is! As for twitter, I in all honesty could NOT do another site like that for a good while at the least, most likely never again! twitter being my first media app when I was actually of age and even a lil bit older to use it was a good thing, because I think if I acidentally went on there any younger, I would be completely off of twitter, leaving behind what friends I've made there high and dry would not be right in my mind, so I'll stay till the ship crashes, watching it burst into more and more flames as times go by and elonno keeps changing the site for the worst in every possible way! making sure ragebait pops up more, making the orginal preimum orginally ment to be something for authors, companies, and the like having to pay a decent chunk to the average person to be recognized as the brand....which instantly led to trouble when originally both the company and preimum looked the exact same, leading to some big big problems right away, making the remaining people working there have to change it to a gold color, keeping adding features to the site only really for the premium and company accounts can use, meaning the average person is still just trying to tweet their art, their music, their thoughts and what have you, but when the site also just keeps on messing up, there has to be a point where the ego just dies in the man who runs twitter and tried to rebrand it as x as he once tried with paypal, and most still calling it, including himself, twitter, because he's the one piloting this things corpse and running it into the ground, there was talks of changing how blocks work or removing them entirely, But both app stores need to have them for your social media app to be accepted, he can't handle that he is blocked so hard and is stuck in his bubble.
Another day, Another Blog thing
So as I post around on this thing, I will try to continuely add on to this blog thing with lil tidbits about me or something, lets get the obvious out of the way. I love video games, but more accurately, I also really love the proccess behind a video game coming together, watching the textures and such go from placeholder to the real full release deal or just upgrading overtime as the dev gets better at the art they are trying to go for, leading them to have to revamp old designs. I love watching the music that they make slowly change aswell, slowly evolving from the beginnings of simple lil tunes to grand tunes of whimsey, shock, horror, unease, cherfulness, misleading, whatever vibes they are trying to put into the scene with the music and learning to nail it in their own way. I love the creation and watching codes become actions, the buttons becoming something more, the actions becoming doablke due to fixing a few bugs and watching how that may spawn a bug here or there and watching how those get dealt with and so on and so forth.
Well, my first day on using this page and it feels odd, more like a diary then a blog of course, mainly because of how I made it I guess makes it feel alot more personal, I made this website by my hands, using and remembering old knowledge that I haven't been using in a while to redo and rearrange things on here. And further more, its nice to create something again, to make something just for the sake of creation and this whole website is spawned in from that whole thing. from wanting to create something when I can.
Then again maybe thats a good thing that this is all coded up and me relearning some coding in that process is nice, hopefully I can talk about stuff more and more overtime.